Randomness

Humanity,

2007-10-12T23:45:00.001-07:00

I shall get back to my quest on life, and the question of "what's worth living".

I bought a new CD, "Humanity" by Scorpions, and there is a track with the same title "Humanity", and it goes like:

You're a drop in the rain Just a number not a name
And you don't see it You don't believe it
At the end of the day You're a needle in the hay
You signed and sealed it And now you gotta deal with it

Another sad picture.

There are two views, one is looking at one's life at a finite contiguous (closed and bounded:) ) interval of time during which the person is living, and another is look at one's life as a point, and absolutely necessary, in the continuum of humanity.

There is no absolute answer to the two point of views, otherwise, there would have been one. So choosing your point of view, is merely a matter of comfort. However, it shouldn't be difficult for one to list the set of values each view brings to life, and to picture a life based on each.

And then what...

2007-09-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

So meaningless are the activities, the numbers, events, places, and my being. I was crabbing the other day. It was rainy and somewhat chili. There were few other boats, throwing the rings, waiting for few minutes, and the pulling them back up. Looking at the crabs, identifying the gender, keeping the males, releasing the females, and then measuring their length.

And I did crabbing here once, in a motor boat, and I was thinking about all those who did crabbing before me in here, and will do it after me. We have nothing in common, except crabbing in here, and vanishing in the infinity of time.

what a sad picture.

Finally God!

2007-07-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

Note: this posting is not about existence. It's about the relationship.

It's a bliss to have someone who gives you the assurance that "it wasn't your fault." Someone who takes the bag of bricks of feeling guilty, of what ifs, of should haves, and the pressure of daily life, and sets you free. There is nothing else to it, or at least I can't see it.

Sometimes, it is not enough to "know" that "it wasn't your fault", and that you have done all you could. There is a comfort in hearing it from others. More important, in stormy waters, one finds an incredible sense of calm and security when he can take the load of responsibilities from his shoulder and wash his hands from the consequences and refer everything to someone else.

And last, is having a powerful friend. Just the illusion of having such friend brings incredible peace of mind. When you have the feeling that "if i can't, he can", "he'll fix it for me", "he'll take care of everything".

The question is, even if one knows that the concept could be a self delusion, if it helps one to live happier and more peaceful, should one take it? More important, if one decides to take the path of self reliance, what mechanisms are needed to deal with the side effects of sufferings and hardships? How can one deal with issues surrounding immortal's life, using immortal's tools?

New life

2007-03-09T23:33:00.000-08:00

I am beginning a new chapter in my life. My years of formal educations is over and I have time to think about some of the fundamental questions. In a series of 'postings' I am going to reflect my thoughts and my learnings towards the question of "what kind of life is worth living". This is an issue addressed by many including philosophers and religions. I am going to take a systematic look at the possibilities, and find guidelines that can help one to navigate true the plethora of ideas.

keep the child alive

2007-02-15T13:33:00.000-08:00

In your childhood, not knowing the pain, not obeying rules, and not being bound to conventions, you follow what comes to your mind, you do what you feel like doing. It's all original, all yours.

As we grow up, we learn about society's conventions, the unspoken rules and learn/force to listen to the authority. Slowly, the child inside gets suppressed and we learn how to silence him and how to ignore him.

Somewhere between ages of 15 to 25 is the balancing point between the two forces, and I think, that is why those years are the most exciting year. You know the rules of the society, your analytical mind is developing and the child inside uses that to bend the rules, to express himself, to break the taboos, to explore beyond the boundaries, to experience. And the combination of the two brings creativity, enthusiasm, and fresh view to the world.

After that age, as we become more and more independent, we get scared, we feel the urgency of creating security and support for ourselves, and that makes us conservative. We tend to follow the known paths, and that makes us to bound ourselves to known frameworks. After a while, there is no sign of the child, the one who used to make our lives so exciting.

Feel alive again...

2006-12-21T03:19:00.000-08:00

To my brothers in arms,

Following the last weeks meeting between Iran's president and students at Tehran Polytechnic and the follow up letter to the president by the student activists, brushed up with old memories. I felt proud and alive once again, the sense of continuity, that the dream is still alive, and that Poly's students are still carrying the torch.

Godspeed.

Love...

2006-10-28T02:15:00.000-07:00

You only need to get the mood right.

After a tiring day, late at night, when you can not fall sleep, in the quiet of the night, when you can feel the lonliness, how there is only you, dim the light, a light and touching music, and you feel you are in love with the world, nothing specific. In love of being alive, in perfect harmony, fulfilled, and deeply content. I am deciding, I am deciding.

Emotions...

2006-10-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

It is the repeating cycle and it's always been the same, the cycle of being in love. The sense of pleasure in pain, the dream of being with the one you love, and how miserable you are without your love.

Have you heard Myriam Hernandez before?, then you should listen to this:

El Hombre Que Yo Amo.

I have started playing the violin. I have started living again. I sit and listen to music and try to unwind, to get rid of the strong bias, the short sightedness I acquired through the last few years, and to give some room to the child inside. To remember who I was, to acknowledge the one who got me to here, and let him live again. To get rid of reasoning, not to be worried of doing what is sane, to risk it all. Fuck it, life is too short.

Research topic...

2006-10-23T17:44:00.000-07:00

I was looking at the time of my postings. It is interesting to notice that there is a strong correlation between the time of the day and the intensity of "inspiration" I get. I guess one can run a statistical survey on peoples blogs and see if such correlation exists everywhere....

Don't sweat the small stuff...

2006-10-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

Our shortsightedness is the killer of the joy. When I step back, and see myself from above and realize that I am safe in this world, when I realize that I have so much to give, and so many things to offer, it makes me calm. It doesn’t matter what you say, it doesn’t matter what you think of me.

Finally!

2006-08-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

I can not explain the feeling, the calmness and depth of satisfaction is indescribable.

Most of us need coordinate system to feel safe, to have a sense of direction. Normally, we get our coordinate system from 'people' around us, or sometimes from those in the past. For example, an artist may compare himself with other figures in present or past, or may get feedback through his or her audience.

For few seconds I had a very strange sense of satisfaction, in a completely floating state of mind, I had such a deep appreciation of myself and I felt so proud of myself, of the whole path I traveled from day 1 till that moment, few minutes ago. It felt like putting your feed on the solid ground after going through a storm. The irony is that I felt it when I was totally floating in a state of daydreaming.

I felt it once more before, a few minutes after I pass the finish line of Houston Marathon. It was the feeling of reaching the destination; it was like the calmness of death. That is it! You are done! No more worries, and most importantly, you have made it, you went through, and who cares about others.

Stop!

2006-08-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

I have to stop the world, push the pause, and come out of my skin, and look at the world, and find myself, see the path I have come, and see where I'm heading. See people and things around me. Just in a snapshot of my life, and see if I am happy of who I am, if I am heading where I want to be, and I am doing what I want to do.

There are defining moments in one's life. You have to pick, you have to take side, you have to 'be' something. You have to contribute to something beyond you, a glimpse of eternity.

Seeing through,

2006-07-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I am looking at a person, I 'think' that I can see through him. Just a simple facial expression and it triggers something inside me. I feel that I can see his/her ancestors, the collective personality through the ages, all accumulated in one. And I lose my faith in human being. Seeing how personal inner filters, alters everything, and makes us believe, whatever we want to believe and that we do not have any control on this. Ironically, most of the time, I can not see myself. I wish I could video tape myself through the day, and at the end of the day, I could sit back, and watch myself, and get disgusted of what I am.

amazin!

2006-07-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

Just as a short introduction, I was doing a light interview when I was asked

"Tell us something AMAZING about yourself"

I should mention that I am in love with myself, I am fascinated by myself. However, it was a bit awkward at that moment. On one side, culturally, I am not used to praise myslef. It is considered to be selfish and snub. But, I think after 10 years, I am kind of over this feeling. So I was ready to talk about my amazing qualities. But then I paused, because I never thought about it. I never thought about what I would say, if I was asked the question, and more over, which 'amazing' thing I would pick.

So I paused and thought for few seconds, to find the one thing that is the root of all my amazing qualities, something fundamental and abstract, something that casts its shadow on everything in my life.

Well, I am not going to tell you what it is, rather, I ask you: have you ever thought of 'something AMAZING' about yourself?

Yet another chance

2006-06-20T17:07:00.000-07:00

Migration is a bliss. You are given another chance to intoduce yourself the way you want yourself to be. A new place, a whole lot new people, without any impression about you. This time, I am learning to be frank, honest, and open. I am learning to be comfortable with not being perfect, with not knowing the answer, with making mistakes and taking the responsibilities of my actions. I am learning to apologize for my mistakes and to talk about them, rather than hiding them and some how trying to fix them. I am not ashamed of my mistakes anymore. I'll be different from now on. I'll be more comfortable with who I am and with what I do.

Tomorrow

2006-05-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

I came to Houston on May 15, 1999. Moved to my appartment on June 4th, 1999, where I lived for about 7 years. Well, not exactly. I moved out on May 15, 2006, 3 weeksh short to be 7 years. I am heading for a summer internship position at Intel in Santa Clara. I have already emptied my apartment and packed my stuff. They are all in the car, ready to hit the road. During the last 7 years, I had such a strong feeling about Houston. It was my home. I felt secure and safe. A feeling I did not have in any other place, even in Iran, when I went back in January 04. And now I don't have a place. Next time I come back, I wouldn't feel the same. It is not home any more. That is a very familiar feeling. Kind of feeling that I am sick and tired of it. A constant immigration. First time I had this feeling when I immigrated to Canada, leaving Iran, it was not Home any more. Then I came to Houston. I had to leave Toronto and immigrate one more time. Once I had the security feeling in Toronto and it's all gone now. And now I'm leaving Houston.

No roots, no settling down, ... I am tired.

2006-05-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

It's memorial day and I am in the CMC lab. Just read Scotts blog and waned to leave him a comment that I forced to creat an account. May be I start writing in my blog from now on.